I guess I should finish this post. I started it half a dozen times, but never finished it.
One day, several years ago. In a galaxy, far, far away, there was a jedi....
Oh wait, wrong story.
About 10 years ago, the girls were 2ish. We lived in a single wide trailer, yes a single wide, with myself, my bride and 3 two year olds. My old EMS shift captain used to kid around that they had me on suicide watch, and I always reminded him that they let me have the narcotics keys at work.
On that fateful day, Audrey decided to let Calgon take her away. I was up, it was middle of the day, and I was doing something in the kitchen. The kids were playing in the living room.
So, lets build a little history here before we go any further. The doors in the mobile home did not have round door knobs, but had lever style handles. Basically, you had to pull down on the handle and the door would swing in. NOT very child proof, in case you are wondering. So.......
In my infinite wisdom, we placed screen door latches and hooks about eye level for me on all the interior doors that the girls had access to. Their room, the spare bedroom, and the spare bathroom, to be exact. After I spent hours on the front porch with the toilet on its side trying to pull Tigger, Pooh (not poo) and piglet out of the Poo (not pooh) pot, I decided that I was NOT going through that again. Another issue that we were having was that the kids had a GIANT box of legos that they played with. More importantly, they were scattered quickly every morning and then were not played with all day. My math was poor at that time. I couldn't put two and two together.
So you're asking, where is all this going? Standby, it's coming......
So, back to that fateful day. Audrey is having an intimate date with Calgon and whichever musician/singer was playing loudly on the computer in our bedroom. I was doing something, and the kids were playing. The baby gate was up. No danger of them getting in the kitchen. The front storm door is locked, cabinets had baby proof locks and all the interior doors were latched. All is good in the world. Then my stomach had other ideas. As a matter of fact, turtling was a good analogy. I figured that 10 minutes in the bathroom was not dangerous. After all, they're 2. Nothing could go wrong. So, I head for the mighty throne of all dads. Unfortunately, there are no magazines, no papers etc in that bathroom. So what do I do? I do what all good adults do in that situation, I read the label on the air freshener can. Then it happens. The hand wave under the door. Being the loving and caring dad that I am, I threw not one, but two towels at the door. Ha! Privacy! I'm deep into the active ingredients when I hear, (in the best little 2 year old voice) "lets lock daddy in the baffroom"
I think to myself, "whatever" and continue to read the rest of the ingredients in Glade 'Clean Linen'. Then what do I hear? A loud thump, then what sounds like a "chink" and then giggling, then, "let's go hide" then more giggling. I shrug it off. But then I hear another thump, and then quiet. Now, if anyone has ANY experience with toddlers, you will know that, while you seek quiet, when you get it, you DON'T want it. After a couple of minutes, I start thinking. I had better investigate this. So, I finish my business, wash my hands, and then open the door. But...... It doesn't open. The handle turns fine, but the door isn't opening. I pull a bit harder, nothing. Then it clicks, that chink I heard may have been that screen door latch. No.... Can't be. That thing is 5 feet high. There is no way. I yell, for Audrey. I yell, for Audrey, again. Oh yeah, she is on a romantic date with Calgon, and whichever music is playing. Her and I are not even on the same plane at this moment. I am locked in a bathroom, with three toddlers loose in the house. Did I mention? They are quiet. So quiet, that it is deafening. I decided, I will get out regardless. I turned the handle, and with gentle but firm pull, I pulled the screen door hook out of the door jamb. When I gained my freedom, I almost fell over that giant green box that is the container for legos. I didn't even notice it though. At least not then. The door to the girls' room was closed, no latch though. The latch didn't register you see, because this wasn't an unusual occurrence. Periodically, we would find a door unlatched. Audrey would blame me for forgetting to latch a door, and I would blame Audrey for the same. We would get aggravated with each other about it, accusing each other, and refusing to accept the blame when we were accused. So, I proceeded to find my kids. Not in the living room. Not in the kitchen, not in the spare bedroom, obviously not in the bathroom, because I was just in there. I kicked the green box out of the way (hasn't registered yet) and go in their bedroom. Three little toddler beds lined up neatly, but no kids. I retraced all my steps. Still nothing. I started looking in closets and cabinets. Now I'm getting worried. I went outside and looked around. They were not in the fence, no where to be found in the yard. Panic is on the way. I really don't like panic, he never produces anything good. I try to ban him from the house. So, I walk back in the nursery one more time, and stand there with my hand on my hip. Curious. "Where did they go?" Suddenly and very quickly I see a leg dart out and back under a toddler bed. The gig is up! Ha Ha. "Alright, I know you are under the beds! Come out." They emerge laughing hysterically. Two year olds got the best of dear old dad. Now, I ask you, would you ever guess 2 year olds to be conniving and jokesters? Not me. I am an adult, I am smarter, older, more experienced. You can't get the best of me. I've had some of the best adults try to play jokes. Two year olds got me. Two year olds.
So, as we walk out, I'm trying to figure out how they did that. Then as I kick that lego box out of the way, it finally clicks. Them rats have been dumping those legos for weeks, so they could use that box as a step stool to open those door locks. The ones that we have been accusing each other for weeks about forgetting to latch back. It was then, that I discovered that I was woefully under-matched, and out-numbered. Ever since, they have kept me on my toes.
Oh yeah, Audrey was still oblivious as she enjoyed her date with Calgon. She didn't even get to watch or participate....
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